Punisher: War Zone

7/10 acorns
Have you ever thought to yourself, “I wish that I could see someone lobotomized with a chair leg”? I have. That’s why I liked Punisher: War Zone. This most recent attempt to capture the comic book phenomenon is probably the best. However, based on the first two attempts, it didn’t take much.

Ray Stevenson puts in an excellent performance as Frank Castle, the special-ops agent gone vigilante against organized crime. While some might criticize his efforts as one-dimensional or melodramatic, that is exactly what this genre calls for. Fans of Stevenson’s roll in Rome will not be disappointed. While Thomas Jane and Dolph Lundgren were good choices for the Punisher in 2004 and 1989 respectively, Lexi Alexander’s direction has set Stevenson atop.

Even though there are some recognizable talents in Punisher: War Zone, it is clear that Lions Gate Films did not break the bank in production. The soundtrack, locations, and special effects are all modest, but the film delivers the kind of poetic cinematography that the hero movies demand. This is exactly the type of movie that comic book-starved renters will flock to, and I anticipate that, unlike its predecessors, this movie will spawn sequels.

After viewing Punisher: War Zone, the satiated action/comic book lover will reiterate the film’s final line, “Oh God, now I’ve got brains splattered all over me.”

Brewing: Tech. Upgrade Helps Brewery

Great news for fans of the Noble Defender Brewery, thanks to a generous Christmas gift, Noble Defender adds a top-notch wort chiller to the brewery's resources. "It has really increased our brewing effienciency," explained Mike Towle, "Now I can perform a complete brew-day in 5 1/2 hours and as our familiarity with the equipment increases, we should be able to improve on that time." One employee noted that the brewing on Saturday seemed "more relaxed, with smoother transitions from phase to phase."

Pictured here is the latest batch, an English-style porter:

As the pictures show, the wort-chiller is a coil of copper tubing with an inlet and an outlet. The whole unit is immersed in the hot wort, this sanitizes the tubing. The cold, incoming water swirls around the top of the pot (where the hottest liquid is) first. The chilled wort at the top falls to the bottom as the hottest wort rises. The heat of the pot is transferred to the water which finally goes down the drain. Five gallons of wort can be chilled in about twenty minutes instead of three or more hours in an ice bath. Other benefits of cooling the wort quickly are better clarity and safer sanitization from unwanted yeast and bacteria.

The lastest batch will be ready to sample in four weeks.

Homesteader 3

Homesteader 3:

“Good morning, Brandon.”

Ugh.

“Good morning, Linda.”

“I thought I would see you last night but I see you decided to stay in.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t feeling so hot.”

“Drinking this stuff wont help. Why can’t you just take an orange like everyone else? I guess you think that this makes you eccentric. Well, everyone has noticed and we are all very impressed.”

“Nobody asked you to come over this morning.”

“No. Your right. I think some of your self-hating impulses are polluting me.”

Silently Brandon agreed. Linda was being reasonable and he was being miserable. As he sat up from the chaise lounge he knocked over a bottle and a glass. Some unidentifiable crumbs tumbled off his undershirt. Linda went to the kitchen.

“Murray said he wants to play racquet ball again,” Linda sang as the water ran.

“That’s only because I don’t give a damn and I’m the only person he might beat.”

“Beggars can’t be choosers.”

Brandon smirked to himself and jogged into the kitchen.
“Hey, I’ve got something to show you.” He said, grabbing her about the waist.

“What?”

“You have to come down to the basement to see it.”

Holding her hand, Brandon lead her down the hallway. They reached the bottom of the basement steps before he turned on the light. Linda was visibly disturbed by what lay before her. The dank basement was filled with folding tables. Each table was strewn with wood and tools, old tools. Like people used to use. She didn’t know what they were called but there were clamps and vices and handsaws and bits and various cold, vicious objects with malicious-looking angles. Linda simultaneously imagined the bloody accidents of careless ancient craftsmen and the cruel experiments which might be occupying Brandon’s time. She covered her stomach and nervously asked, “What’s all this?”

“Oh just a hobby, but I have done something which I find quit remarkable.”
Brandon's eyes glimmered as he excitedly strode to one of the tables where there lay some strips of wood and jars and buckets and brushes and carving tools. He turned the handle on a vice holding a piece of wood about four feet long.
“It’s a bow.”

“A what?”

“A bow, like people used to use to hunt animals to eat.”

“How does it work?” Linda asked touching it with her fingertips.

“You glue a bunch of narrow strips of wood together and shape it to the shape you want and it is much stronger than a regular piece of wood. Then you attach the string.” Then, holding one end of the bow against the floor, Brandon hooked the end of a slim, braided, steel cable around the top of the wood. “I couldn’t use natural glue or sinew but the principles are the same.” He then strung an arrow from the below the table.

“Watch the bag on the wall, and stand behind me,” Brandon continued. The bag was about thirty feet away, next to a pile of old cookware. Linda folded her arms and complied. Brandon drew the bow, exhaled slowly, and loosed the arrow. A hissing noise. A mind splitting crack exploded in the basement. The bag burst off the wall and splinters and chunks of sheetrock flew across the room. Linda screamed and ducked. Brandon grinned at the wall obscenely. Uncovering her ears, Linda stood, and marched up the steps.

“Did you see that!?” Brandon cried.

NEWS DESK: TRAGEDY STRIKES

We regret to report that the latest experiment from Noble Defender Brewery has gone sadly awry. Pictured here is Old Man Towle wasting his 2.5 gallon batch of "Blueberry Pancake Ale". "It seemed like a good idea at the time," explained Towle, "I didn't think the blueberry seeds would be so problematic, I'm sorry for the sadness I've caused." Beigeberry, a Noble Defender enthusiast, reacted by saying, "Blueberry Pancake? It tastes more like Puke-berry Urinal-cake."

Noble Defender has destroyed the complete batch but vows that the Blueberry Pancake Ale is not lost to this world. Towle promises to continue the experiment "until the batches start creating giant, mutant, megalomaniac yeast cells that say awkward things in other-wise laid-back social situations or the next season of The Biggest Loser starts." On a postitive note, the brewery's recent holiday pack, amber ale and Scotch ale, met with rave reviews.