Literature: Homesteader 1

Out. That’s what Brandon Mercer wanted. He gazed longingly at the photo in the back of the vacation magazine as he sat in the glass-domed coffee shop on the fifth floor. He sighed pitifully and glanced to the TV screen. They were showing a sport, crowntop, that he didn’t understand. It was kind of a mix between king-of-the-mountain, football, and capture-the-flag. Three of the grey team were unceremoniously knocking two of the greens down to the lower level. For a while he had been keeping track of the standings if for nothing else than a chance to relate to his contemporaries. It had worked, sort of, but he had lost interest.

He had never found that thing that he was looking for among the shining towers of the corporate village or the sprawling bubble-shaped houses packed with convenience. He himself had a Spanish-style villa with a personal theater and a restaurant quality kitchen, not that he could find any decent ingredients any more. The safety of ultra-pasteurization had washed away the subtleties of his favorite flavors. He usually ordered out.

The magazine was open to the last page, where only the least-expensive, poorly designed, cramped ads would be found. Truly rustic retreats had fallen out of vogue long ago, competing with fantasy camps, ultra-sports, med-spas, and the like. In one corner was the image that intrigued him. A dilapidated cabin sat a-top a gently sloping hill bending towards a steel-grey river. Behind and above the cabin stood towering pines and small, knotted birches. What would it be like? Could he pay the caretaker to turn off the surveillance devices or even remove them? The expense, he thought, would only prolong his captivity in the Grant Corporation.

Oh no. Murray. Murray stood with his tray only twenty feet away. It was obvious to Brandon that Murray had seen him and wanted Brandon to notice that Murray clearly hadn’t seen him, and now Murray looked for a reason not to join him. Murray looked past Brandon and then saw a seat near the screen which he moved towards eagerly. Thank God. Everyone in Brandon’s department congenially avoided him now. He was roundly regarded as a harmless dullard. Everyone had attempted friendliness with Brandon but his disinterest was eventually reciprocated.

Through the dome and the rain he could almost see the tube to the valley that he would travel after work. Just as he always had.

Society: Prominent Woodchucks to Wed

Woodchucks Michael T. and Carmen B. announced their engagement to a small family gathering and have set the date for September 5, 2009. Insiders say the date was selected to precede some serious, hibernation-time snuggling.

Reliable sources indicate that the ceremony will be "a casual, country, al-fresco, affair" and will be followed by a groundhog jamboree and camp out. Our source further explained that upon hearing the news Michael's mom "cackled like insane hyena."

Pictured here is the happy couple pilfering green beans from the Weaver's Way farm in their Philadelphia habitat.

Living: Brewing in the Hole

Nothing will send a yellow-bellied marmot diving for the burrow faster than sticker-shock at the gourmet beer store. When you're entertaining in the den, you want your buds and lady-hogs to have the best, but you don't want to have to moonlight at the petting zoo to pay for it.

Brewing your own beer is a creative way to entertain in style without dipping into your hibernation cache. Setting up your home brewery doesn't have to be expensive if you use some ingenuity. We put our interns on the job and here are the steps that we here at UG recommend to start brewing awesome ales on the cheap.

Note: This method is "all-grain" and avoids the inferior and more expensive malt extract.

Intro:
All-grain brewing basically creates a giant teabag that you will run water through to get the sugars out of the malted barley. Once you collect the liquid from the mash tun (the teabag), you add hops (bitter plant buds) and stuff, and you boil it. Then you cool it, add yeast, wait, bottle, wait, and drink. Pretty easy, no?

1) Get a Good Kettle
You can get a cheap kettle if you look around. Try to get a 7 gallon or larger kettle since we will make a five gallon batch. We found this one online for about $30 and it has a capacity of 8.5 gallons for a complete boil.
2) Build a Mash Tun

You can buy these, but it is cheaper to make it yourself. We started with a 5-gallon igloo cooler that we bought for $20. Then we had to experiment with some plumbing to attach a good valve that wouldn't leak. You need a 3/8" ball valve and some other plumbing stuff to attach the 3/8" hoses and the false bottom. We had to try some different 0-rings, rubber washers, and washers to get it tight. Check this website http://members.shaw.ca/Fly_Guy/mlt.htm for the parts list.

Step 3: Make a False Bottom
No, this isn't an endorsement of Brazilian plastic surgery. You need to make something so that the liquid can flow through the mash (the wet grains) without the tubes getting clogged. You can make a cheap one with that stainless steal mesh that goes around a washer hose. Clamp the ends and hook it up!

Step 4: Buy the Basics

Now that the hard parts are done, go ahead and order a starter kit for the basic tubes, buckets, instruments, caps, and tools that you will need ($69 at http://www.morebeer.com/).

Step 5: Order Ingredients

Ingredient kits will range from $15-$40 depending on the style of brew and the vendor. Make sure to buy yeast or you'll end up with barley juice...and ants....lots of ants. The kits come with directions or you can follow a recipe from another source.

Step 6: Find bottles!

Step 7: Brew!

Step 8: Act Like a Total Assh*le

as you serve up your gourmet brew and act all sophisticated and handy. You'll get more tail then a Canadian beaver trapper. That's the Urban Groundhog Way!