Urban Groundhog: Living: Gain 10 pounds by the holidays! We'll show you how!

Well, well, well. Here you are again in September looking as svelte as an otter with orthodontia. You have no one but yourself to blame. While your neighbors were annihilating acorns and walling up walnuts, you were chasing lady-hogs, punking gardeners, and trimming your teeth 'til the wee hours. But don't worry, UG's got your back. Follow these guidelines, loosen your belt, and be prepared to hear, "You look fantastic, have you gained weight?"

Step 1: Train with weights

Nothing pumps up your appetite like some serious resistance trainings. As soon as your muscles respond, they will be bullying your laggard stomach into a frenzy. Don't worry if you get some gawkers at the gymnasium. ("Yeah baby, rub my massive gut. It's all natural.")

Step 2: Fat stack

I know what you're going to say, "I love fats, but they satiate so quickly." You need to trick your body into consuming mass quantities of various fats before it can object. Try to fit a large amount of fats into a single meal. Think chocolate burritos and Doritos casseroles.

This great pizza uses feta, mozzarella, sun dried tomatoes, and a pesto sauce. Whew hoggy!

Step 3: The only bad carb is the one you can't find!

Pretzels and breads are a great way to get that insulin spike that makes your brain say, "Sooo sweeeeeeepy....zzzzzzz." Check out http://www.breadworld.com/ for some quick recipes. When making the pretzels, try increasing the yeast by 50% for a doughy roll-type pretzel. Add some honey mustard and you'll be smokin' (from the friction of your thighs rubbing together)!

Step 4: Keep brewing
Alcohol is loaded with energy, that's why you can set shots on fire. Beer combines alcoholic energy with residual sugars to really give you a fat-gaining edge - while taking the edge off!