Living: Gain 10 pounds by the holidays! We'll show you how!

Well, well, well. Here you are again in September looking as svelte as an otter with orthodontia. You have no one but yourself to blame. While your neighbors were annihilating acorns and walling up walnuts, you were chasing lady-hogs, punking gardeners, and trimming your teeth 'til the wee hours. But don't worry, UG's got your back. Follow these guidelines, loosen your belt, and be prepared to hear, "You look fantastic, have you gained weight?"

Step 1: Train with weights

Nothing pumps up your appetite like some serious resistance trainings. As soon as your muscles respond, they will be bullying your laggard stomach into a frenzy. Don't worry if you get some gawkers at the gymnasium. ("Yeah baby, rub my massive gut. It's all natural.")

Step 2: Fat stack

I know what you're going to say, "I love fats, but they satiate so quickly." You need to trick your body into consuming mass quantities of various fats before it can object. Try to fit a large amount of fats into a single meal. Think chocolate burritos and Doritos casseroles.

This great pizza uses feta, mozzarella, sun dried tomatoes, and a pesto sauce. Whew hoggy!

Step 3: The only bad carb is the one you can't find!

Pretzels and breads are a great way to get that insulin spike that makes your brain say, "Sooo sweeeeeeepy....zzzzzzz." Check out http://www.breadworld.com/ for some quick recipes. When making the pretzels, try increasing the yeast by 50% for a doughy roll-type pretzel. Add some honey mustard and you'll be smokin' (from the friction of your thighs rubbing together)!

Step 4: Keep brewing
Alcohol is loaded with energy, that's why you can set shots on fire. Beer combines alcoholic energy with residual sugars to really give you a fat-gaining edge - while taking the edge off!


Remember, gaining weight for hibernation doesn't have to be a chore. Try to enjoy it!

Travel Desk: Discovering America

We sent our unpaid intern/CEO Old Man Towle across the country in his little pickup truck and he had this to say:

"I killed many bugs and brewered many touries. I counted Cracker-Barrels. Seventy-four. Most towns focus on selling one of three things: moccasins, jerky, or petrified wood. St. Louis good, Indiana bad. People get uglier as you move north. I saw some weird shit, especially in Texas."

Favorite Photos:

Mama Groundhog!

News: Authorities Nab Groundhog Imposter

Thursday, Northwestern Philadelphia, authorities with the Department of Animal Control Special Victims Unit identified and apprehended an overweight rabbit who has been posing as a groundhog for several months. The rabbit, who people in the Chestnut Hill area of Philadelphia know as "Sugar," has been perpetrating the fiction with some success.



"I'm, shocked," explained neighbor Julia Pheltnam, "I always asked her about the weather and gave her acorns. Now I realize why she refused to take the hat off, I thought maybe she had some mange." "Sugar" convinced locals with her "groudhoggy" mannerisms, conscientious makeup regimen, and affiliations with several marmot civic organizations. Fortunately, the charade was ended before any real damage was done. With the winter months approaching, "Sugars" faulty weather predictions could have cost people their lives.


Authorities received tips from a gopher who prefers to remain anonymous. The rabbit, who is still being referred to as "Sugar," refused to comment. She has been relocated to a petting zoo for the criminally insane.